dead and scared

The road I walk on isn't paved or gravel,
it isn't stone, asphalt, or brick,
it is something forgotten
something whispered among the creatures,
I walk alone in this
I walk in the fog and thickets,
The sun does not shine here
The moon does not glow here,
I walk the road of Robert Frost
I walk the road with the Jabberwock,
I scream just to see my own breath
I cry because I am alone and I am afraid,
I do this because I know it's right
I do this because a voice tells me to,
Where I go I do not know
but my life is worth the travel


I want so badly to believe
that Home is waiting for me.

Here I Am

I want to leave
I want to go far away
without a connection to anyone from here or there
I want to be a mystery
I want to be unknown
in a terra incognita

I wish I could leave them all
not because I don't love them
but because I know He is calling me
I run from it because I'm afraid
I don't want to hurt anyone
I don't want to hurt her
yet He calls and calls
do I stay or do I follow?
can I live knowing I didn't do as He asks?

I'm a liar, I'm a lie
I'm dead, I'm death

I don't know how I got here, but I'm glad I came.
"Come, follow me....At once they left and followed him."

not now, not never

one day they will find us
and they will eat us,
I will wear a suit, and you will be called to jury duty

one day they will catch us
and they will join us,
I will go to work, and you will watch law and order

one day they will trap us
and swallow us whole,
I will have bills, and you will be wed

one day they will grab us
and take us away,
I will read the paper, and you will pull an all-nighter

one day they will call us
and we will come to them,
but that day is not today, so we run, like children

end

We live fast.

A summer of questions.

I feel blindsided by the way my relationships from two years ago have turned out. I thought none of them would change and when we saw one another again it would be like we never left. I thought my name would be remembered in my tiny high school and I would always have friends that woke up for its attendance. My name is now whispered by my mother and my brother. My friends are in college and have forgotten about what used to be. I see them change only in profile pictures. I see their interests only in Times New Roman. I feel our names are no longer connected. We have all turned to whispers even to ourselves. I have lost one friend completely to drugs and binge drinking. I have lost others because of distance. What does the future hold for them and me?
Have I changed? Have they lost me?

no one could stop us

We were lions
That summer when we told each other secrets
And we spent every night sleepless
Hunting, playing, watching,
Never waiting, never wishing, never wanting,
Through grass and through strange streets
We strolled on tires and on our feet
Exploring, taking, wondering,
Never sitting, never longing, never hoping,
The sun, the sound, the stagnation of the summer,
All were as close to us as we were to each other
Loving, praising, touching,
Never liking, never lacking, never yearning,
Sleeping in the morning in a foreign place
Gargoyles of the human race
Stealing, accompanying, kissing,
Never giving, never alone, and never quiet,
All of us with the collective fear of being dissolved
Constant wishy-washy feelings of segregation
Connected, collected, contained,
Never separated, never divided, never alienated,
Reminding each other with unspoken messages
The steady question we whisper, “Are you my brother?”
And the unvarying answer, “Till the end.”
That is all we needed to know because
We were the pride, we were the pack,
We were the lions


For a second there I felt invincible
I felt alive and unafraid, I knew I was going to be ok,
I knew who I was and I knew the boys who slept around me
and that was enough.

Mirror

Things have been bugging me lately, I'm constantly put in situations with people who group themselves into statistics, trends, and mediocrity. Its this blending in, hiding who you are, and hating what you could be, that is driving me insane. We all fall into trends (I'm definatly not an exception) but between going to school and work I am flooded with look-a-likes. We put on masks to hide what we are, we live through our stories and friends instead of our futures, we are proud to not know anything about ourselves. We are content with grouping ourselves into these neat packages that are easy to explain. We make rules about our personality, our emotions, and our thoughts. I believe humans are deeper than what we show other people. I think we are deeper than just cells, tissue, and carbon blueprints. We are deeper than science. We are more unique than we all like to believe. Our skin is a permanent Halloween costume. I'm not writing this to change the path of society (this is a free blog posting competing with the advertising industry that spends three billion dollars on ads a week...trust me I'm not trying to win this battle). I just wish everyone was proud of everything that makes them different. "if only you were camoflage, you could return back to the trees, but you and I both know you could never leave the city."- Fear Before

thanks for reading
JOSH

my old place

I've been thinking lately about some thing that is very disappointing about Earth (not that I don't enjoy living here). I find our desire to find magic in anything has ceased to exist. I would very much like to find a hidden wood where no greed has ever wondered into, where the animals still talk, and good beats evil under every circumstance. I still pretend that those places exist. I go into forests all the time pretending I'm still the leader of the centaurs. I cast spells and make swords and spears out of branches, but they aren't like the ones my army used to make me. I used to make crowns to put on my head and I was a prince that fought in the name of a good empress. I was blessed with the best land and a beautiful princess. I created creatures in school and then when school was over I fought them (or befriended them). The land full and I loved it there. I went everyday to be with my friends, the trees, the centaurs, and the animals. I was the protector until the day I couldn't protect any longer. I watched as the trees stopped talking to me and the bulldozers and tractors slowing took enormous chunks out of the best land that was given to me. My land got smaller and smaller until war was finally upon us. I watched as my centaurs fought so bravely to keep them away and lost their lives. All the creatures I had created, all the friends I had invented, and all the things I protected from unstoppable nightmares they all looked at me. I could hear what they were saying though they did not speak, "Come on prince, one last time cast them out of your land, stop them, save us all like you did all the other times." But I could do nothing but watch as the machines killed them, taking all their land and leaving the survivors to starve. I can't go back there. I was their prince, their protector, and their life; I stood by and watched them all perish because there was nothing I could do. I miss them all greatly. I wish I could write a book about all those things I did, but my life doesn't really allow me to stay focused on one subject for too long. Maybe one day when my life is less crazy I'll be able to record everything that I experienced as a prince of a land forgotten. Maybe.