heart spring cleaning

Maybe its me.

I don't write like I used to.

I read still.

I want to dance all the time still.

I don't feel different.

When did I get kicked to the curb?

Where did these new friends come from?

What happened to all those plans we made?

I still feel the memories.

I still see you the way you were, but that isn't you anymore.

Somewhere along the way you lost yourself.

We lost each other.

Do you remember?

Is this the way it goes?

When I said, "brother" I meant forever, but forever is impossible.

Who's fault is this?

I want to blame you, but it was me too.

It was me, who let you down.

I guess my heart became cluttered. I had to make room for new brothers and sisters.

How could I do it? The heart beats for what it needs.

Snow Miser

I'll remember the way we were

but that is all over old friend

there must be a counterweight

to all that we have done

just like the summer and winter are one

don't worry you will stay in my heart

and while the trees sleep

you too will hide in the roots

until we come back to stretch our limbs

and let the leaves turn green again

we wear friends on our chests

but where do they go when we have to go?

you will be my brother

even in the gates of Hell

they can never take this time

in the Texas sun away from us

It might have seemed pointless

but our time together was never wasted.

book of faces

The kid on facebook.

Today, I was exploring the depths of facebook and I found this kid who has been my friend for quite a long time on the book of face. He lives in Burnet and for the sake that this might be offensive to him; he will remained unnamed. Anyway, I saw on my little update thing he had posted a note with a very morbid title. So, I investigated this note and, not to my surprise, it was a large paragraph about how after we die we will never be remembered. His logic was that only a select few will be remembered throughout the ages and the rest of us will die and the world will keep spinning which is true. (unless "2012 world" happens then I'm the fool) Now when I first read this little note I thought he meant "remembered" in the sense of the Nordic belief that the only way we live after we leave this earth is by our name surviving. Not true. I believe he just realized how small of an impact people really have on the world and he is trying to make peace with that, or maybe he just wanted to impress fellow facebookers with his ability to use uncommon words, large words, and his capacity for deep scholarly thought. He, however, did not convince me of anything except how deeply self-centered he is. His note was ridiculously narcissistic, as if the world was committing a crime by continuing once he left it. He even wrote as if he were appalled at the very fact that his note would be forgotten in the future. This has absolutely no lesson to it nor will I continue into some spin off about my beliefs. just kidding there is a lesson- Don't be an idiot.

nobody

I am different

I am.

My life has not fallen apart 

not yet.

My friends look the same

are they?

My God looks much like theirs

is He?

My body seems quite normal

is it?

My goals blend with the rest

like theirs.

My dreams appear mundane

Yes.

I am different

I am.

To meet the child I once was

To know the secrets I knew 

To the questions I have now

we are too evolved

I feel alive,

I feel the words soak in

I write slower to absorb the lines,

I let them understand why 

they are being written,

I allow them to be simple

I try not to scare them off

with their larger counterparts,

they call me to understand them too

they want to be read

they want to be written,

we know one another

we are not friends

but we are acquainted,

I ask them what to do

they listen and answer 

thats when my hand moves,

the letters and I crave each other

we both feel the same things,

we know exactly what the other is thinking

we are not two pieces but one whole,

the only difference is

I scream and they don't talk at all

just like I want to be looked at without limitations.

my words want to be written without rules of punctuation and rhythm 

dead and scared

The road I walk on isn't paved or gravel,
it isn't stone, asphalt, or brick,
it is something forgotten
something whispered among the creatures,
I walk alone in this
I walk in the fog and thickets,
The sun does not shine here
The moon does not glow here,
I walk the road of Robert Frost
I walk the road with the Jabberwock,
I scream just to see my own breath
I cry because I am alone and I am afraid,
I do this because I know it's right
I do this because a voice tells me to,
Where I go I do not know
but my life is worth the travel


I want so badly to believe
that Home is waiting for me.

Here I Am

I want to leave
I want to go far away
without a connection to anyone from here or there
I want to be a mystery
I want to be unknown
in a terra incognita

I wish I could leave them all
not because I don't love them
but because I know He is calling me
I run from it because I'm afraid
I don't want to hurt anyone
I don't want to hurt her
yet He calls and calls
do I stay or do I follow?
can I live knowing I didn't do as He asks?

I'm a liar, I'm a lie
I'm dead, I'm death

I don't know how I got here, but I'm glad I came.
"Come, follow me....At once they left and followed him."

not now, not never

one day they will find us
and they will eat us,
I will wear a suit, and you will be called to jury duty

one day they will catch us
and they will join us,
I will go to work, and you will watch law and order

one day they will trap us
and swallow us whole,
I will have bills, and you will be wed

one day they will grab us
and take us away,
I will read the paper, and you will pull an all-nighter

one day they will call us
and we will come to them,
but that day is not today, so we run, like children

end

We live fast.

A summer of questions.

I feel blindsided by the way my relationships from two years ago have turned out. I thought none of them would change and when we saw one another again it would be like we never left. I thought my name would be remembered in my tiny high school and I would always have friends that woke up for its attendance. My name is now whispered by my mother and my brother. My friends are in college and have forgotten about what used to be. I see them change only in profile pictures. I see their interests only in Times New Roman. I feel our names are no longer connected. We have all turned to whispers even to ourselves. I have lost one friend completely to drugs and binge drinking. I have lost others because of distance. What does the future hold for them and me?
Have I changed? Have they lost me?